“I love you. I always will, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. At least not right now. Not the way you need me to be. Not the way you deserve.”
I stop myself from falling in love because it just wouldn’t be fair to not give 100% of myself into a relationship. I do not deserve anyone that I cannot dedicate myself fully to. Maybe in the distant future, when I have a job, a stable income, a place of my own, and an open heart will I be able to get back into relationship and hopefully it will be the only relationship I’ll ever need.
Did I give up too soon?
Was I so pessimistic about my “future” that I gave up on any hope of getting happiness through you? I always tell myself that I am a realist when it comes to life and relationships. I try my best to stay out of it because I don’t want to be heartbroken. I don’t ever want to emotionally invest myself to someone because it will hurt even more when I lose that person. This maybe the reason why I think too much like a business student. Risk vs. Return. In business, the bigger risk, the higher returns you’re hoping you will receive. In a relationship, it’s the same thing. The more you invest into it, you expect more from it. As someone who has had 2 epically failed relationships, I thought pushing away love and my feelings will be the smart thing to do, but is it the best thing for me? I’ve been in a self conflicted dilemma this past year. What do I want in life? How am I going to achieve it? What’s more valuable to me?
I cannot come up with a conclusion as with many things in life. Maybe time will change who I am and what my views are on the subject, but as of now, I will just go with the flow.
Love & Relationships Deconstructed
Disclaimer: This is a sensitive issue that I am discussing. I am my own person. I am discussing this topic based on my own personal views and beliefs. I am in no way preaching my beliefs. I am merely writing for the sake of expressing what I feel in words.
This four letter word is constantly thrown around. I am certain that this word is said more than a million times a day around the world by families, couples, lovers, friends, etc. It’s a word that expresses your feelings towards someone or something. I admit I use this word on a day to day basis also.
“Oh, I love my new phone.”
“Thanks so much! You’re a lifesaver! I love you for that!”There are some cases that I never use this word. This is when I am dating or when I am with friends. I might slip up once in a while, but I do my best in not exclaiming “I love you.” I am the type that is always worrying about getting into a relationship. I don’t have a need for them. Some of my friends need to be in a relationship. They have a need to care for or to be cared for by someone other than close friends or family. They need a girlfriend or boyfriend.
This is certainly not a problem as there are many out there that are willing to get into this same sort of relationship with one another. I, on the other hand, do not believe in this. My only 2 “relationships” I’ve been in ended in a civil and mature way. At one point, we knew we were not meant for one another and had to say our goodbyes. I always ask my friends the following: “If I never loved them, does it count as a relationship?”
Sometimes, I think that is the most rational thing I can do in situations like that. If I don’t feel “love” or if it’s the other way around, then why should we stick around each other? It’s not making our lives any better prolonging something that wasn’t meant to work out. That’s why we separated.
This is why I also never said “I love you” to my exes. Back then (2 and 4 years ago), I didn’t love them. I had fallen for them. I was attracted to them in every way, but I wasn’t feeling like they were “the one” for me.
One of the reasons why I wrote this to begin with was brought up over a little picnic I’ve had last weekend with the boys. They asked me why I am so closed off and not accepting other people. To be honest, I am one of the only people that I know that will so easily accept people into my life. I really do not mind what race you are, what you look like, what your financial backgrounds are, etc. All I want is a true friend, someone that I can count on and someone that I can spill my hearts out to, then you’re in my circle.
I put on a front. One that says, “I will never love someone,” but of course, I do believe in the idea of love. It’s a wonderful feeling, I’m sure. I believe I was in love once in my life. Things didn’t go according to plan, but I’ve accepted that. After that experience, I realize one thing. I can love someone with all my heart, but that doesn’t mean I will get the same love and affection in return. All I can do is live day by day and do what I do best and that is just always trying to be a good friend. If love comes my way, I will accept it with open arms. But if it never comes, I’m glad I’ve had friends that already filled that void in my life.
This is such a random piece that I just couldn’t stop thinking about and so I had to write it. I literally woke up at 5am and started writing randomly. This is one of those “Alex Lau needs to spill his hearts out to strangers online” moments. Anyways, I hope all my followers and friends now know the situation that I am in in terms of relationships and love. I do believe that love exists, but I do not go out thinking that that person is out there waiting for me.
